Eyes of Appreciation

Happy Birthday Dad

I know how you love me because now I know how to love like that I understand when you teach me because it's from the heart I know what you mean to say when you don't say what you mean I understand how it feels to have an open heart I know how my smile must light your day I understand how you could drown in my tears I know I should count my blessings I understand how old you are I love you. Suzie

Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass

First Three Months

Well, my baby is almost three months old now and I have learned a few things. If you are going to give birth at the hospital, you only need a few things. One, a robe and slippers along with items to shower with. After you give birth the hospital provides you with huge pad underwear so you really only need what you're going to wear home. Be prepared to bleed like you had a major period for what feels like one month straight. Maybe even expect major constipation for about a month after as well. You might want to prepare to feel like a stinky old lady for a while but this too shall pass. When your baby starts to breast feed, know that it takes about three days for your milk supply to come in. That's when it starts to feel a bit more natural but for the first three days be prepared to exit your own mind as much as humanly possible. Remember that these days provide the baby with what is referred to as "liquid gold" so it's worth the moments that feel like agony. Once the baby starts latching on and enjoying meals, it is so fun to know that your own body is capable of producing milk like that. "Do the best you can, with what you have, where you are." I was given a gift box of disposable breast pads and I am so thankful. These pads are as helpful as disposable diapers and should be changed almost as much. You don't really need to start using them until after the first three days when your milk actually comes in. Get some storage bags for your breast milk so you have plenty of room in the fridge and freezer for storing the milk (store in fridge for about 24 hours, then move the bag to the freezer). Also, period pads are very necessary because, like I said, it will feel like a major period for weeks. Be prepared to be bothered throughout the days and nights while you're in the hospital. It's for good reasons and will help you to feel grateful when you get home. Epidural for me was in question until I felt the labor pains for an hour straight. After my epidural was administered it was like a whole new experience. My body was still doing the work it takes for labor but I could actually enjoy the process while keeping my mind in a good place. Then, wuala! Your baby is in your arms and you're like, "What do we do now?". Keep an open mind and heart and do what is best for you and your baby. Your baby feeds off of your energy (sometimes literally) so try to be at peace. The first few days we had him in Newborn size diapers and then moved him into size one. The first week or so we washed him with cloths we brought home from the hospital with pure water (place the pure water on cloths and gently wipe). After that, we moved into using regular wipes. Also, A&D was and still is something we use very frequently to keep his diaper area clean and comfortable (gently wipe a bit of A&D ointment on his or her bottom with a clean finger). If wipes are too harsh for the baby skin, try washing his or her bottom... in the sink with fairly warm water. If you have a boy who has been circumcised, once the circumcision heals, make sure you gently pull back the skin on his penis and clean it well (sometimes they build up a sort of residue that can cause an infection if not cleaned). If you have a girl, make sure you are wiping or cleaning her from front to back (sometimes if wiped the other way around, a yeast infection could occur). Be prepared to not do jack for the first three months, then if you actually do something you'll be really happy with yourself. And if you don't, you'll just feel normal. Take pictures and observe the infinite wisdom your baby holds. Try to enjoy every moment as much as possible. Don't be too hard on yourself if you sometimes feel like you're in a monkey cage with a baby monkey and other monkeys trying to throw poop at you. ;) It's normal. Appropriate questions and comments are welcome. Be Blessed, Suzie Sateri

How We Learn

My Mom and I were talking about work and skills and things of the sort. She was saying that if someone goes out of practice they start to lose their skills. So, here I am, working on my writing. To the reader, there might be grammatical errors because I haven't written nearly as much as I'd like to. Regardless of the grammatical errors and things of the sort, I hope I can bring wisdom. When we learn in school, we are asked to correct the paragraphs with mistakes. We are asked to read it looking for error and are taught ways in which we can make corrections. How do we learn if everything is perfect?

My Best

My baby has to have surgery and I've been reluctant to accept that fact. I want him to be perfectly healthy and I can't stand the thought of him having to undergo any kind of procedure that might make him uncomfortable. Today I felt a sort of panic when the surgery date was scheduled. I am already stressing out about it and pretty much don't know what to do with myself. It's difficult to be able to let go of things I can't control, especially when it comes to my baby. I try to stay calm and poised as much as possible in these types of circumstances and situations but I'm dying inside. I have been in denial about him having to have surgery and have been praying his body heals miraculously. Now that the surgery is scheduled for the end of next month, I'm freaking out inside and feel like falling apart when I need to keep it together. It's a procedure that has been done on numerous occasions with a high success rate, so I feel irrational for worrying. I don't really notice when I'm stressing out this bad until I step outside and compare myself to other people. That is when I realize I haven't brushed my hair, plucked my eyebrows or shaved my legs and am wearing a shirt with spit-up on it. In those moments, I am utterly grateful for those who do not pass judgement. It's good to know what it feels like to not be at my best because I can be more empathetic toward others through their ups and downs. Sometimes I wonder when I will ever be back at even close to "my best" or if I will ever get there. Every day I just tell myself to put one foot in front of the other and do what I can with what I have where I am. It's hard for me to understand "my best", now is very different than it used to be. I have every reason to believe, to have faith that everything will be okay. So I hang in there. They say "When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." So I let the knot in my throat holding back my tears get a little tighter and I tell myself to stay strong. And my heart is grateful. Suzie Sateri

Grand Prix

So many thoughts racing through my head like the Grand Prix. It's hard to know what to focus on first but the baby helps me with that. At just the right time, when my head starts spinning and I lose my direction, he wakes from his sleeping slumber or his peaceful state and shifts my focus onto him. I feed him and remember to eat and drink water myself. Everything slows down for a few minutes and life seems more bearable. My list of things to do for the day is mostly unattended to but the one or two things I do accomplish I am so grateful for. I have a brand new human life teaching me on a daily basis. I learn what is the most important and how to attend to my daily tasks with grace and ease, knowing I simply can't accomplish all that I want to in the span of one day. I learn that representing others requires a selfless nature. I am learning to let go a bit more and re-learn everything I thought I knew. It is liberating and necessary. He reminds me in his vulnerability that vulnerability is endearing. He reminds me in just being that the essence of people is good. When in the presence of a baby, people want to hold them because they know how they like to be held. People like to hug and kiss him and hold his hand, because they understand the power of an innocent touch. People like to speak words of kindness to him and about him because they know how it feels to love. When he cries and can't communicate nor find relief from his discomfort, frustration sets in. Perhaps this type of frustration stems from feelings of rejection. He reminds me of what it's like to feel human. He helps me to understand and accept parts of humanity that are not friendly in terms of the world, but can be more readily accepted from the eyes of a child. Like the moon shines in darkness and shows up every night, and the sun rises every day, he brings me light. My heart is thankful. Suzie Sateri