My Best

My baby has to have surgery and I've been reluctant to accept that fact. I want him to be perfectly healthy and I can't stand the thought of him having to undergo any kind of procedure that might make him uncomfortable. Today I felt a sort of panic when the surgery date was scheduled. I am already stressing out about it and pretty much don't know what to do with myself. It's difficult to be able to let go of things I can't control, especially when it comes to my baby. I try to stay calm and poised as much as possible in these types of circumstances and situations but I'm dying inside. I have been in denial about him having to have surgery and have been praying his body heals miraculously. Now that the surgery is scheduled for the end of next month, I'm freaking out inside and feel like falling apart when I need to keep it together. It's a procedure that has been done on numerous occasions with a high success rate, so I feel irrational for worrying. I don't really notice when I'm stressing out this bad until I step outside and compare myself to other people. That is when I realize I haven't brushed my hair, plucked my eyebrows or shaved my legs and am wearing a shirt with spit-up on it. In those moments, I am utterly grateful for those who do not pass judgement. It's good to know what it feels like to not be at my best because I can be more empathetic toward others through their ups and downs. Sometimes I wonder when I will ever be back at even close to "my best" or if I will ever get there. Every day I just tell myself to put one foot in front of the other and do what I can with what I have where I am. It's hard for me to understand "my best", now is very different than it used to be. I have every reason to believe, to have faith that everything will be okay. So I hang in there. They say "When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." So I let the knot in my throat holding back my tears get a little tighter and I tell myself to stay strong. And my heart is grateful. Suzie Sateri