My Best

My baby has to have surgery and I've been reluctant to accept that fact. I want him to be perfectly healthy and I can't stand the thought of him having to undergo any kind of procedure that might make him uncomfortable. Today I felt a sort of panic when the surgery date was scheduled. I am already stressing out about it and pretty much don't know what to do with myself. It's difficult to be able to let go of things I can't control, especially when it comes to my baby. I try to stay calm and poised as much as possible in these types of circumstances and situations but I'm dying inside. I have been in denial about him having to have surgery and have been praying his body heals miraculously. Now that the surgery is scheduled for the end of next month, I'm freaking out inside and feel like falling apart when I need to keep it together. It's a procedure that has been done on numerous occasions with a high success rate, so I feel irrational for worrying. I don't really notice when I'm stressing out this bad until I step outside and compare myself to other people. That is when I realize I haven't brushed my hair, plucked my eyebrows or shaved my legs and am wearing a shirt with spit-up on it. In those moments, I am utterly grateful for those who do not pass judgement. It's good to know what it feels like to not be at my best because I can be more empathetic toward others through their ups and downs. Sometimes I wonder when I will ever be back at even close to "my best" or if I will ever get there. Every day I just tell myself to put one foot in front of the other and do what I can with what I have where I am. It's hard for me to understand "my best", now is very different than it used to be. I have every reason to believe, to have faith that everything will be okay. So I hang in there. They say "When you're at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." So I let the knot in my throat holding back my tears get a little tighter and I tell myself to stay strong. And my heart is grateful. Suzie Sateri

Grand Prix

So many thoughts racing through my head like the Grand Prix. It's hard to know what to focus on first but the baby helps me with that. At just the right time, when my head starts spinning and I lose my direction, he wakes from his sleeping slumber or his peaceful state and shifts my focus onto him. I feed him and remember to eat and drink water myself. Everything slows down for a few minutes and life seems more bearable. My list of things to do for the day is mostly unattended to but the one or two things I do accomplish I am so grateful for. I have a brand new human life teaching me on a daily basis. I learn what is the most important and how to attend to my daily tasks with grace and ease, knowing I simply can't accomplish all that I want to in the span of one day. I learn that representing others requires a selfless nature. I am learning to let go a bit more and re-learn everything I thought I knew. It is liberating and necessary. He reminds me in his vulnerability that vulnerability is endearing. He reminds me in just being that the essence of people is good. When in the presence of a baby, people want to hold them because they know how they like to be held. People like to hug and kiss him and hold his hand, because they understand the power of an innocent touch. People like to speak words of kindness to him and about him because they know how it feels to love. When he cries and can't communicate nor find relief from his discomfort, frustration sets in. Perhaps this type of frustration stems from feelings of rejection. He reminds me of what it's like to feel human. He helps me to understand and accept parts of humanity that are not friendly in terms of the world, but can be more readily accepted from the eyes of a child. Like the moon shines in darkness and shows up every night, and the sun rises every day, he brings me light. My heart is thankful. Suzie Sateri

Mon Monde

Super Man

Aloe Blacc - "Mama Hold My Hand"

Children's Book